Perhaps you do not know what “controlling” is. I facilitated a mens group for the batterers education program, so am an expert on the subject.
Here are the signs of power and control.
1. Using male privilege. Treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the master of the castle, being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.
2. Minimizing, denying and blaming. Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn’t happen, shifting responsibility for the abusing behavior, saying she caused it.
3. Using isolation. Controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads, where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions.
4. Using emotional and verbal abuse. Putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she’s crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty.
5. Using Intimidation. Making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures. Smashing things, destroying her property (even destroying YOUR property can be intimidation.) Abusing pets, displaying weapons.
6. Using coercion and threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her. Threats to take her to the pastor to be reprimanded. Threats to ruin her reputation in your church or in her job if she has one. Telling her that non-submission is as the sin of witchcraft and will be punished in hell.
7. Using economic abuse. Preventing her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money. Making her live on an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have access to family income. Insisting that she is the one who is spending too much when she buys a few clothes at Goodwill, but buying top quality clothes for yourself, or otherwise excusing your expenditures on very large and expensive items.
8. Using Children. Making her feel guilty about the children. In the Christian setting, this is often making her feel guilty about getting a job. Telling her she is not a good enough mother, that she needs to be home for the children. Telling her that if she does not submit to you, she is setting a bad example for the children.
9. S*xual abuse. Expecting S*x to be about pleasuring you. Using s*x to make up after a fight. (this is one of the most unloving things to do! It is merely reestablishing male dominence and is extremely unkind! Few women want to “make up” with s*x after a fight, but are pressured by their husbands to do so.) Pushing for s*x when she is not interested. Being uninterested when she is interested. Being uninterested in her preferences. Pushing her to do things that feel dirty to her, or that she feels uncomfortable doing.
10. Spiritual abuse. Although this was mentioned above, it is its own category. Using God and the Bible to gain control is abuse.
What is “controlling”? Signs of power and control issues.
March 11, 2010 by Charis
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Note that the one which is in a position of humble submission is the only one which is lit.
© 2007-2011 Charis R. Hart
I would encourage anyone who reads anything I have ever written to be sure to DO YOUR OWN HOMEWORK!
"We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check." James 3:2
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