How to Heal from Adultery and Other Serious Marital Sins
He’s right.
I have done it both ways.
At the adultery of 1990, I avoided confronting the pain, the sin and it has been a wounded, hollow excuse for a marriage ever since- like this from the article:
If Bob and Susie follow the traditional Christian counseling approach to adultery, their marriage may survive and I hope it does. But survive is all it will do. It won’t thrive. It won’t be a great marriage. It will be a wounded marriage.
At the adultery of 2008, the anger and pain have spewed forth, I have insisted upon accountability and change, and I can feel that this is much healthier for me.
Good for you, Charis.
The link you put at the top of this post is excellent. Thank you.
I am married to someone who says he’s a believer. But he would never agree to this type of counseling. He’s been unfaithful the majority of our relationship (and won’t repent for it). I am confused and hurt. I’ve left before and nothing ever changed. How do I heal my marriage and my heart if he won’t admit what he’s done?
Dear beanie,
I’m sorry you are in such a difficult situation
I suggest you press in deeply to the Lord, pray, and seek Him. IMO, the only pathway our of this will require your getting really firm with your husband, and you need strength and healing from God in order to be able to hold his feet to the fire and hold him accountable for his destructive behavior. Here is a link to a clip from “Sacred Influence”, a helpful book which accurately describes my own journey deeper into God and learning to stand up to my husband and hold him accountable: Sacred Influence – “God, not your marital status, defines your life.”- #1
question:
Why in the world would anyone WANT to stay with anyone who is REPEATEDLY UNFAITHFUL?
One, the risk of disease, ALONE, should be enough to make one seriously consider the futility of staying in such a relationship,
and
Two, most importantly,
if you leave, and they continue…they’ve divorced you, already, ITS THAT SIMPLE.
You are hanging onto a FRAUD,
hate to be blunt, o.k. but TRUTH IS BLUNT,
you’re hanging onto AN ILLUSION,
that isn’t a marriage, ITS AN ILLUSION.
So, yea, one day, he stops screwing around…when, when he’s too OLD TO SCREW AROUND,
then what?
You’ve wasted your ENTIRE LIFE, on one individual WHO ALREADY DIVORCED YOU,
when you could have been living your life, single but married to JESUS,
who’ll NEVER LEAVE YOU, WHO’LL NEVER FORSAKE YOU, WHO’LL NEVER BE A ‘FRAUD’
women, yes, is noble to fight for a marriage,
IT’S INSANITY
TO FIGHT, FOR AN ILLUSION….
true freedom comes from TRUTH,
forget the illusions.
they are LIES.
Jane
I don’t think it would be wrong to pull out all the stops to HELP (ezer) him. This morning, I was praying for you, beanie, and thinking about Paul Young’s wife, how she got angry when he was adulterous, and how- in response to her anger- he turned his life around and became a mighty instrument in God’s hands.: see the beginning
If he doesn’t hear the wake up call from you, though, Jane has some good points! The best HELP/ezer may ultimately be to leave him “stewing in his own juices” (as my mom would say).
Charis and Jane,
Thank you both for your words of wisdom and advice. Jane, I have thought of doing what you say many times. Even though you say he has divorced me, in my mind we are still married. And so it hard for me to think of divorcing him. I talk to my grandmother, who is a strong Christian influence in my life, and she tells me that the mind plays tricks on us sometimes so that we see things that aren’t there. Some of the times that I think he’s cheated, I really have no proof. But the lack of trust is what really causes me to believe that he has cheated (even without the proof). My grandmother told me to stop looking for things that might not be there. She said to pray and let God work and deal with my husband.
Also, it’s so hard to think of leaving him because I think I will be the one to regret it, not him. He will move on and find someone else (probably within a month or two). But then if I stay, who’s to say he won’t find someone else and then leave me altogether.
Okay, so in the midst of writing this, I read the article that Charis suggested about the book Sacred Influence and WOW! This is SO right! This is what I’ve let my relationship come to, idol worship. I’ve let this relationship and this marriage define how I feel about myself. I put his opinion, feelings, and love on a pedestal and devalued God’s. Ladies, I’m buying this book today and reading it. Jane, I want to try to help my husband. But after this, I can not help him at the risk of my own emotional heath.
Please ladies, continue to pray for me. My feelings are up and down daily. I go to bed feeling happy (after reading my Bible) and wake up feeling depressed. But I will work on me and let’s pray he gets the message and begins to work on him!
something to remember when taking advice from women from older generations,
because I have a friend who is 70-80,
the women then, were conditioned, to tolerate, a LOT, like incest and domestic violence. And cheating,
divorces were not Given back then in many small towns prior to 70s for either domestic violence or cheating…my friend was lucky, that she was given a divorce by a judge, she had six kids. She was raped by her granddad, they didn’t talk about those things then,
they thing was, learn how to deal with it.
She did tell her mom but her mom said no way, though later she found, ole granddad raped all his daughters too, her mom being one of them.
So, my point is, a lot of the advice given by grandmas and so forth, CAN be good advice, but take into consideration the societal norms they internalized in their day…and those internalizations they still have,
so, yea, in her day, you didn’t leave a man for cheating…you
put up with it.
Women though, then didn’t Have the economic choices NOR the SUPPORT then,
so you have to weigh all that, and one thing my friend, has learned,
those ‘ignoring’ those things DOES CAUSE FUTURE DAMAGE, all her daughters [adults and grandkids too] are dysfunctional as hell,
her great granddaughter is right now in the care of CPS for being molested…my friend is trying to get custody of the girl,
this girl, my daughter’s friend, is messed up, she’s ONLY 12 years old…because the entire family, ‘lived with it’,
and this little girl, is paying the price now.
So, be careful–of the advice, weigh it carefully–the iniquity today,
Will effect, the children, of tomorrow.
Peace,
Jane