My daughter is 20 and mentioned this episode again just over Christmas break, showed me the scar on her leg, and talked to me about how unbelievable that he blamed that on soccer and has never (to this day) owned what he did. Clearly, his denial remains painful to her even after 3 years (it happened New Year’s Day ’06).
Equally destructive was the pastor validating his denial.
He was very distrustful of “secular counseling” and refused to continue with a professional counselor so he was in counseling with that pastor at the time. I called the pastor when my daughter was assaulted. He lied and told the pastor the children had STOLEN his CREDIT CARD and done everything behind his back. He told the pastor that the 118lb 17yo,was LYING that he had caused her bruises. He said they were from “sports”. {note- BIG mistake, forget the pastor, call the police}
This is the background to the episode: My 3 oldest children 17-22) wanted to get a family cell phone plan but did not have credit so they couldn’t sign a contract. They approached me with plan-carefully constructed to appeal to him- They are all employed and responsible and they they agreed to PAY not only for their own phones for a whole year in advance, but for his phone too. I laid the whole plan out to him thoroughly and he expressed no objection. When we got the cell phones in the mail he denied he had approved this and wanted the decision un-Done. I signed the contract and I used my own credit card and I refused to un-Do it. . Next thing I know, I am putting little children to bed and hear my 17 yo screaming downstairs. She sassed him and he assaulted her.
My husband has not been habitually physically abusive, but it is very difficult to recover from even the isolated episodes when he refuses to take responsibility for his behavior.
Personally, I have given up on pastors and churches being helpful for healing of abusers. I think that is very sad because I know JESUS wants to heal them, but churches don’t seem to be able to feed them fruit that leads to life.
[...] insightful comment by Molly on Complegalitarian. I agree with her. I recall one pastor (the one who didn’t believe my daughter) referring to our marriage as a “power struggle”. Indeed. I’m not sure what he [...]
[...] lowest points were the heat deprivation and the domestic abuse against our then 17 [...]
[...] “allowed” to buy a vacuum cleaner when I needed it, domestic violence ensued when I signed a cell phone contract (even though I had asked him and totally explained the whole thing before hand- apparently he was [...]
[...] experienced: like heat deprivation as a baby, or verbal abuse episodes, or watching his mother and his teenage sister pushed [...]
[...] decision through him than to endure the verbal abuse for NOT doing so. Even then, it broke down. One DV episode was with my 17 yod because he DENIED that the matter was run through him when it had been and she [...]