So don’t refuse sex to each other..
(Contemporary English Version) 1 Corinthians 7:5
One needs to go back and look at the Greek, because every English version is a translation with the translators being mostly male (with their “biases” and “SELF-interests” shall we say?) Contrary to popular belief, the passage in question is not a teaching restricted to SEX
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Here is a link to 1 Cor 7:3 immediately adjacent to 1 Cor 7:5
Here is a link to the word translated “benevolence” (eunoia) in the King James This link goes to the Tufts University lexicon of sources from ancient Greek- so you will see how the word was used in the Bible (where it occurs twice) and in other ancient Greek literature. “SEX” is not on the list.
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The other occurance of eunoia in the Bible is here in
Eph 6:7 “With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men”
talking about servants and masters, and I have never heard anyone anywhere claim that the Bible teaches that a slave is obligated biblically to have SEX with his/her master.
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I am told that manuscripts which some consider more “authoritative” use a different Greek word there:opheile – “debt” which is nowhere else translated “sex“
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I took hermeneutics in a very reputable conservative seminary and learned that “CONTEXT IS KING”. In the context of 1 Cor 7, I would like to point out this instance of mutuality:
But he who is married cares about the things of the world—
how he may please his wife. …
But she who is married cares about the things of the world—
how she may please her husband 1 Cor 7:33-34
Again, the latter verse is not a teaching restricted to SEX
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See “Beautiful Symmetry” for a visual of the mutuality in marriage portrayed by 1 Corinthians 7, a meeting of each other’s needs, (not JUST sexual needs). IF he is a heartless man who always wins, THEN he is breaking his covenant.
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Having SEX with a heartless man who always wins and makes no effort to nourish, cherish, and live with his wife in an understanding manner (Eph 5, 1Pet 3) violates the above scripture and violates your human dignity. It is HARLOTRY. STOP IT!!!!
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There is ambivalence in the heart of the abused- one day she hates him and wishes he was dead; the next day she has sex with him (I won’t say “loves” him 
Its her HARLOTRY). That “one flesh” thing has an remarkable grip!
She doesn’t want to see him as a “MONSTER”
and he isn’t a monster, really,
or IS HE????.
(See The Beast and the Harlot)
Biblically- he is manifesting BEASTliness…
but the BEAST can be put to death.
But….
perhaps
the Harlot has to die first…
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Just to clarify, I do not deny that marital sex is part of the debt or benevolence spoken of in 1 Cor 7:3. I deny that the debt/benevolence is only SEX,
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Furthermore, please note the “likewise”:
1 Cor 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise( homoiōs) also the wife unto the husband.
I do believe that I could make a very strong case from the placement of that “likewise’ and from looking at other occurrences of “likewise” that the husband’s benevolent treatment is to come first.
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The husband is supposed to “lead the way” when it comes to benevolence, paying the debt.
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I could probably also make quite a strong case that if he is dishing out disrespect, verbal abuse, put downs, dismissing, ignoring, character assassination, etc….
…then homoiōs/likewise…
he shouldn’t be surprised when benevolence/paying the debt does not come gushing back at him.
and when it did?
I was a HARLOT
I REPENT!!!!!
I think the dialogue from the last post and what will unfold on this one is an acknowledgement that, typically, men place an emphasis on the physical and, typically, women place an emphasis on the relational/emotional/spiritual part of a relationship.
I hope you don’t take offense at that stereotyping. It doesn’t only have to do with marriage, but life in general.
We men are mostly oblivious to our own emotions and spirits and those of others. In our ministry to couples my wife and I find that men fail to perceive a correlation between their emotional and spiritual abuse and their wives’ lack of intimacy. It doesn’t connect in their brains and hearts.
Peace, Kim
No offense taken, Kim.
I sent my husband a link to this post, (which I think he will visit, if only for the TITLE). I would love for him to visit your blog- (click here) and learn from you, because I think you are a real good example of a husband who understands the manner of spiritual leadership God is after when he tells husbands to “lay down life”; “nourish and cherish”; “live with your wife in an understanding manner”
Kim,
I think you are right.
Have you ever read the book “Sacred Marriage”? I can really recommend it. The chapter on sex was eye opening for me, and I think it could be eye opening for any man who is frustrated that he isn’t getting “enough sex” in marriage. If you are counseling couples it may be a book you’d be interested in reading.
Gary really goes on about how sex is about giving, yes, typically men need it more, and women have many reasons why we feel less like in the course of our married lives, but it’s about giving. If a man is concentrating on giving, he will find pleasure with his wife. If he is only thinking about relieving his urges on her (awful, I know, but that is how it is at times!), he will not be satisfied. Especially if he has a thing for porn.
If a woman is willing to give, even at times when she doesn’t feel so much like it (not the day after giving birth!!!!), she might end up enjoying it herself too.
Charis, those verses, like many others regarding marriage, were a stumbling block for me and a reason to believe God must be a misogynist. Until I realized that “one flesh” is not just “have sex”, “benevolence” or “marriage duty” is not just sex. I had figured out that marriage wasn’t about a boss and an underling, but I still struggled with sex alone being the marital right. Pregnancies, breastfeeding, stitches, they all affect a woman’s desire. Was God joking when he established the mutuality, knowing that it would end up being a man’s right and another responsibility for the wife? (typically!)
The verses in 1 Corinthians 7 are cited in every Christian marriage book I’ve read, and there’s always an exhortation for wives not to deprive their husbands. But I agree with you that there’s a lack of understanding of what is meant exactly.
Ruth, you are probably right that Kim would like “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. I didn’t like it though. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, like the “christian men” he talked about – where are they? they don’t exist in MY world? so it made me sad
However Gary Thomas is a wise and godly man who speaks LIFE in his books and I thought “Sacred Influence” was excellent and helpful. But that is a book for women, so Kim might not be interested, except as a resource to recommend for women. (Click here for a book review with quotes which will give you a feel for the book)
Here’s an excerpt from “Sacred Marriage” that struck me at the time I read it as completely alien to my experience. I wasn’t “normal” since I didn’t shut down sexually from bad treatment:
Charis,
I understand how you feel about it. I had tears in my eyes in many occasions, some because I was convicted of how little love I have poured into my marriage, and some because I longed for my husband to lay his life down in the way Gary describes.
Sex has been turned into one more tool to manipulate and dominate. Wives may withhold sex from their husbands as a punishment (or vice-versa), husbands sulk until they get what they want (or vice-versa). It’s just one more tool in the power struggle.
It’s not about giving but getting.
I like how Gary Thomas turns that around, and actually tells husbands (especially) who are addicted to pornography, that they will never be satisfied with their wives unless they start seeing sex as an act of giving themselves, not taking.
I liked the book because I felt understood. I guess that if he is able to understand a woman after two decades of marriage, there’s still hope for us. We’ve only been married for about a fourth of that time. I guess the secret is for me to help my husband understand me, and for me to take the lead in understanding him.
While my husband is very considerate of my sexual satisfaction, there is MORE to marriage than SEX!!! He has ignored my other deeply felt needs.
I NEED him to stop drinking and using pornography, or I will be leaving him. He spends vast amounts of time overseas and has a history which includes adultery while drunk. Need I say more?
And I believe I am speaking GOD’S WILL to him that he must STOP these behaviors or be in rebellion against GOD, and ignoring me on this is ignoring GOD.
Abraham checked with GOD and GOD told Abraham “Do whatever Sarah tells you to do” Its time for my husband to do some checking with GOD about his habits.
For me to keep on engaging in SEX with him when there is no corresponding or mutuality in our marriage as far as him meeting MY needs by putting his flesh to death and laying down these habits is harlotry on my part, and I repent!
Charis,
I can’t say I understand your position. I’ve never been there. But I understand what you mean by not feeding the beast and not behaving like a whore.
I can see the pain in your posts lately and I really feel for you. I wish I could go over and hug you very tightly.
I, for one, don’t see your withholding sex from him as a punishment. It’s an incentive. You won’t keep on supporting his addictions. You want to help him out of them.
God bless you. Know that HE loves you
Thanks for understanding, Ruth.
That’s right. Its not “punishment”. Its consequences.
And while I don’t want to divorce, I won’t stay with him if he chooses to continue down this path. I need to be heard and respected.
And YES, it HURTS!
He won’t lay it down out of LOVE for me, out of commitment to a PROMISE he made to me, out of KINDNESS and COMPASSION for how his drinking distresses and hurts me. I have to resort to trying to FORCE him to lay it down by putting his balls in a vice grip until he cries “UNCLE” (because he LOVES SEX).
I e-mailed back and forth with Joel (of Joel and Kathy) a bit- because I was critical of a passage in their book (see Sexual Sin in Christian Marriage- renouncing Harlotry ). I sent Joel over to Kim’s blog to observe Kim’s sincere regret, and I suggested to Joel that he appears to teach men to ACT sorry instead of BE sorry. Joel told me “Guys like your husband must change by DOING the right things first and SAYING the right things. Their heart and brain changes come as a RESULT of their ACTIONS.”
PS Just for the record: NO, my sexual strike was not Joel’s idea. In fact, Joel was hard on me and defensive of his book’s position (unlimited SEX) and – after all- he is male. Need I say more? I don’t care WHO disapproves or judges me. GOD HAS SPOKEN AND I WILL OBEY!
and whenever I am in so much pain… I am afraid of leading anyone astray, so I’ll turn off the comments widget again for now and go behind the veil…
Charis,
I understand you probably better than I can explain on here. I also understand your going “behind the veil”. It’s so easy to be misunderstood on here!
I’m weak.
I couldn’t resist.
I didn’t feel guilty either.
Still…
Keep praying for him, because he’s added a new addiction to his collection. I didn’t get a confession of how much, but when I suggested that I suspect he’s been masturbating multiple times daily (wearing that thing out!), he didn’t deny it.
That really sucks! Good sex was the ONLY outstanding thing in our marriage, and now he’s put that on the chopping block too….
((((((Sigh))))))))
I think that the Lord was teaching me spiritual truth. I think the harlotry of Revelation is common to women.
“your desire shall be for your husband…
and he shall rule over you”
“The Beast and the Harlot“
[...] think they are not allowed to say no at any time: 1Co 7:3 Let the husband render unto the wife her [due benevolence/ due goodwill] : and likewise also the wife unto the husband. :4 The wife hath not power over her own body, but [...]