The apostle Paul was right when he said that it was easier for those who are single, at least in that regard. We’re not yoked with a fellow sinner. We may ache badly for the lack of a loving partner in life, but we don’t have to ache for the particular loneliness that comes from a loveless marriage.
“the particular loneliness that comes from a loveless marriage”… struck me deeply.
because it is the TRUTH
my own beloved husband told the truth in the counseling where I brought up this incident…
he had asked “is everything OK? is something bothering you?”
so… I started to talk… but he cut me off within minutes… without resolution, without even airing….
he told the truth in the counseling.
he asked because he felt obligated, not because he cared, not because he is willing to make any adjustments
I should know better than to believe him when he asks.
I should know better than to stick my neck out of the shell I must wear whenever he is around
silly me…
BUT…
the GOOD NEWS is
there is a SILVER LINING TO THIS CLOUD! 
Through “the particular loneliness” GOD draws me deeper into HIM. Sometimes I am tempted to feel sorry for those who have their emotional needs met in marriage… because they are not so desperate, so dry, so empty so as to CRY OUT UNTO THE LORD to fill them up!
I am taking the Beth Moore course “Beloved Disciple” (about the apostle John and about ME ). I can tell that she understands. Here is a link to a quote which I posted awhile back on my quote blog: Beth Moore on Solitude (keep scrolling down the page to “Beth Moore Confesses”. She KNOWS the secret and mysterious depth of satisfaction and fulfillment in the embrace of the bridegroom)
My mentor, Martha, an older woman… talks about how Jesus had an inner circle: Peter, James, and John went with Jesus to the mount of transfiguration and were called out to wait with HIM in the Garden of Gethsemanee. John is the BELOVED DISCIPLE who leaned back on Jesus chest at the last supper. John 13:23 Martha believes that I am on the journey to HIS inner circle. This journey is a challenging journey indeed, and lonely…
YET
the TRUTH is…
I am not
not, not, NOT
I am not ALONE…
*hugs*
I just found your blog while doing a word search on “Ezer Kenegdo” and when I came to this blog entry I knew I needed to say a word of encouragement.
I’ve also experienced a loveless marriage, but God has done great things through His marvellous Spirit. That being said, I’ve also experienced some of the same loneliness during those alone times and was pressed deeper and deeper into the Word and His Spirit. At a time of great sorrow and loneliness, my heart found the Gospel of John and Ephesians and I was shown my very existence was purposefully crafted by the One who loved me and gave Himself for me. At a time months later when that confidence in His love for me was challenged by circumstances in my life, my very first impression on my mind was “I KNOW God loves me! His Word declares it and my heart has known it!” I clung to that sweet confirmation and prayed for my circumstances. They did change, but what was more important was that I was tried in the fiery furnace of life to make my faith in His work in me stronger.
The “satisfaction and fulfillment in the embrace of the bridegroom” is indeed the most precious feeling. If it were not for the love I had felt from the Lord Jesus during the times of great need, I would say I did not know love at all.
Thanks for sharing openly about such difficult things.
Dear Molleth and Dear Kate,
Thank you both for your encouragement.
Kate, God has spoken to me through the same two books. And I do trust (as Beth Moore reminded me from Oswald Chambers) that I can look the very blackest of circumstances square in the face and trust the character of God- HE is good, HE has not changed, HIS love for me has never failed…
Here is the quote from Oswald Chambers:
HE showed me that I need to take one day at a time, and not assume the worst. The devil has a field day with me telling me lies that this is headed down the tubes, that failure is inevitable, that I might as well get a lawyer now, that I was stupid to stick with him the last time and spend so much of my life with a man like this… The circumstances and behaviors are too similar to another very dark era of our marriage… my beloved husband has yet to deal with his adulterous heart and it is bubbling up to the surface once again, but GOD showed me that there is absolutely nothing I can do. This is between him and God.
… and yesterday my mentor encouraged me that he is submitting to the counseling with the pastor, and he listens to the pastor, respects him… and she said not to voice my bad assumptions to him because-in a way- it gives him permission to fulfill the worst. I can vent to her or elsewhere, but speak to my husband about how I am counting on him to fulfill his responsibilities and be faithful to God. That puts the choice back upon him, instead of triangulating me into his choices.
[...] 23, 2008 by Charis I’m still thinking about the particular loneliness that comes from a loveless marriage…… Henri Nouwen talks about loneliness, pain, brokenness, suffering and I agree with him that [...]
Men are simple creatures. Ask yourself, “Did he cut me off because he felt he was being accused.” Most men are not capable of hearing complaints about issues they feel they are incapable of fixing. Men love to solve problems. If they feel they can not solve the problem they want to avoid it. I am old now. I have seen many unhappy marriages. They all seem to hinge on this paradox. Women want to “Talk things through”. Men want to “Fix a problem”. The happy marriages all depend on the women. If they give task to men that they can achieve, the men gladly comply.
Hi Eli,
Your comment raises the question: Are you a man?
Thanks for stopping by
I have asked for things to be fixed (I mean household things which are totally within his ability) or “Can I take the kids out from underfoot so you can spend some time jobhunting?” when he was unemployed. Doesn’t work….
Some men have very VERY serious “authority issues” from various unresolved childhood issues with authority and they project the unresolved issues into the marriage. A wife merely requesting something from him- with the utmost of respect, deference, and softspokenness- is still somehow perceived as “disrespectful” and threatening his “position”. By her making requests, his mind perceives her as an “authority figure” and requests are met with “rebellion” instead of ministry. AND it does not matter HOW she asks, it just does not matter, she can ask in the sweetest loveliest way ONCE or she can nag- if she expresses a “want” for anything, it ALMOST appears to be an invitation for him to be SURE to neglect THAT thing. And, over time, with no attention to root issues, this behavior escalates. By the time we started counseling the degree of neglecting NORMAL male responsibilities was abusive to the point that we did not have adequate heat the entire winter (strictly his neglect- when he finally finished the project it took him 8 hours, and NO, I was not “allowed” to call someone to finish the work) and the baby needed 6 rounds of antibiotics that winter (I am NOT exaggerating. The PA who saw the child “offered” to send social services in- which was sure threatening to ME!- to investigate our contribution to his “failure to thrive”). My husband’s working out “authority issues” in his jobs led to frequent dismissals and uprooting which is also VERY emotionally draining upon the wife and family.
Sooo, I don’t think men and marriage are really so simple….
My personal experience is that development of assertiveness on the part of the wife and a season of EXTREME contention in the marriage is on the pathway to a healthier dynamic in the relationship….
see What if being a SUBMISSIVE wife requires being a CONTENTIOUS wife?
A happy marriage depends upon the woman but the man is the one who answers to God for the state of the marriage?
I get confused at all these different teachings. A woman is supposed to give men tasks that they can achieve but the man is really leading in the marriage? Doesn’t jive.
And, Gem is correct, there are many women who ask their husbands to fix things and their husband ignore the tasks given to them and don’t bother fixing anything.
I like to fix things and solve problems, too. I don’t think that is a male trait at all.
Could this resistence to “hearing complaints” actually be rooted in pride? It sounds like a sin problem to me and not how God made men to be. Why would a man feel “accused” when his wife shares something with him in the spirit of Matthew 18? When does the Bible make allowance for men to be easily offended and quick to take up an offense or ignore when their wife comes to them and shows them that they have offended them?
Who likes to listen to complaints? Our flesh doesn’t like it. Our flesh doesn’t want to hear when we are doing something wrong. But, maturity and humility requires us to be open to correction and to listen tenderheartedly to those we have offended.