Maybe it is a case of “when I am weak, then I am strong”. I had been feeling very weak, torn down, discouraged, misunderstood. God helped me to stand up to my husband today and I feel very good about it. It is OK to be firm and fight for the dignity of my children.
Daddy took them sledding. I wasn’t there. He called Timothy (7) names “idiot” “stupid” “fool”. It is not clear to me that Timothy did anything to provoke the tirade except cry and Susy (10) said he started crying because his father started in on him.
They come to me to tell me what daddy did. They trust me to protect them, to stand in the gap for them, to stand up against the bullying. I rebuked him loudly in front of all the children who had witnessed the verbal abuse. I want them all to know that it is completely unacceptable, disrespectful, unchristlike behavior and Timothy does not deserve to be treated that way! I prayed loudly over Timothy (so hubby could hear from the other room) and broke the word curses and lies which were spoken over my son and prayed that he would be deeply assured that his Heavenly Father loves, values, and esteems him.
He is thickly self justifying it! Says that “James Dobson would approve of my disciplining my son- I didn’t call him a stupid idiotic fool. I said he was acting like a stupid idiotic fool which is the truth” He said ” I am not ashamed of disciplining my children. I’ll stand up in front of the whole church and tell them proudly about my discipline techniques”
Yeah well. my mentor Martha pointed me to the story of Mordecai and Haman. She said given enough time, the truth will prevail and the one who is doing evil will build his own gallows (thinking all the time that it is for the annoying Mordecai)
We are meeting weekly with the pastor for counseling. I know the pastor means well and he is wise. Nevertheless, I felt like the pastor misunderstood and joined forces with my husband dismissing my intuition and concern about the fruits of daddy’s long history of destructive behavior toward our children. I wonder if the pastor will agree with the lies this time?
Timothy reminded me about when I told him that names people call him are really about themselves… And Joey (5) demonstrated that he completely grasps that concept. He came over to me and whispered, “then mom, you shouldn’t call dad a bully because that means you are the bully”. Smart kid. (not that I am a bully- although I did chew out my husband quite royally- but that Joey grasps that the words that proceed out of a person’s mouth reflect that person’s own heart and are no reflection on the target)
Note: Just for the record, I am extremely confident that James Dobson would not be the least bit supportive of my husband’s verbally abusive behavior toward our children. I owe a lot to Dobson and “Focus on the Family” for parenting discipleship. He really shouldn’t be lumped with the wacky extremes among Christian parenting “gurus”.
My husband is engaging in the logical fallacy of “appeal to authority” which is one of his favorite games- he lines up all his presumed allies who “agree with him” and “support his view”. I’m past being manipulated by those lies.
Because this post is filed under “abuse” categories, I refer the reader to a collection of links which were helpful to me on the bottom of the following page: What if he is Abusive?
Yesterday we had the 4th session of marriage counseling with the pastor. I raised the verbal abuse incident (as described in the post). My husband spent a long time on the same self-justifications… and the pastor told me that his wife never confronts him in front of the children, never “outs” him.
I explained to the pastor that our 7 year old son is doing much better this year- since I stand up to the verbal abuse for him and in his presence. Last year I had numerous teachers conferences- he was in trouble in school for bullying. Now he knows that his father’s cutting remarks are lies and not his fault. So, it does not hurt him and upset him like it used to. He didn’t like being in trouble at school. I think his acting out came right out of being exasperated: “fathers do not exasperate your children” Eph 6:4 He wants to be a good boy, and he prays sincerely every single night to be a good boy, and he is a good boy!
The pastor said “your husband doesn’t like your confronting him in front of the children; you will not have peace in the household” I replied, “Then so be it. I have no intention of ceasing to hold him accountable in front of the children each and every occasion they report to me that he has been verbally abusive to them. I am following what GOD has laid on my heart and Jesus said ‘I have not come to bring peace but a sword’”
Then he asked my husband if he is willing to stop using the derogatory words toward his children. He said “some wives wouldn’t mind, but you are not married to one of them. To YOUR wife those words are like fingernails on a chalkboard.”
My husband told the pastor, “I will try to stop ONLY because you are suggesting it, not because I think it is wrong. I don’t think it is wrong”
If he stops, then it is progress, no matter whether it is motivated by personal conviction and repentance or not.
GOOD JOB.
Learning to stand up and say, “No, this is NOT okay,” is such a big thing. (The first time I did it, I was so scared..wondering when the lightening bolt was coming that would strike me dead, you know? I’m sure you understand)…
After reading your update in the comment above, it also, um, sounds like you need a different pastor.
I can’t believe what your pastor said (that you shouldn’t confront your husband, that you should stand up for children being wronged?)! Grrrrrr…!
Sounds like he’s read one too many complementarian handbooks, to me…
I can well relate to being manipulated by someone lining up all his supposed allies (or arguments for his rightness). It used to work on me, too. Now (though it’s been a LONG while since it’s happened), it’s just plain silly.
Thanks for your encouragement Molleth
My hubby is behaving better this week, and I found some great articles just tonight (from a tip at the compegal blog) which confirm to me the efficacy of how I believe God has lead me to hold him accountable for his actions. I’ll post some clips and a link tomorrow.
I found this helpful, thank you for sharing.
I have myself in a situation and would like some advice.
Over a year ago now my husband went to prison for breaking his parole he had only been away for less then 4 months. before he returned home he had told me he would not go back to using crack. while he was out less then a week and was hanging out with the same guys and smoking weed this time. not brining any money home to pay his mom rent ( we lived in her house where she stayed 2-4 times of the week) i paid 1/2 the rent when it was due not knowing that he had no money for the rest. it then became my fault the rent was not due and we had to move. long story short I left and he was allowed to stay. I told him that when he went to prison if he was not working and was back on drugs I would leave him. I of course did and moved over 500 miles away. He is also verbally abusive and has pulled chunks of my hair out twice and bruised my hand and fingers and gouged my palm all when he is on the drugs and beer or when he is coming down. in his eyes I have left our marriage bed. plus it is my fault he went to prison 2, the first time he called the police and the second it was me after he hurt my hand and fingers, he did 3 months for that. and now he that we are still 500 plus miles apart he still uses and I know when I talk to him on the phone since he is verbally abusive then. and he keeps telling me my place is up there with him. nothing really has changed he still drinks, smokes his crack and works 1-2 days of the week and still lives at his mother’s house. and refuses to take the anger management classes when the parole office gets off his butt and sets it up. my husband figures he doesn’t need the classes he isn’t the classes I do. help am I dishonoring our marriage by staying away from him? I do love him and want the marriage to work just not the way we had it. the children are grown and not living at home.
Hi Denise,
Welcome to you… and I am so sorry for the struggles. I don’t think you are dishonoring your marriage by staying away from him until he makes some better choices; to me, that sounds more like you are setting some boundaries for your own good AND his best interests. I promise I will come back and respond to you thoroughly on Monday. Meanwhile, I will refer you to my quote blog with extensive excerpts about dealing with an angry husband from the book “Sacred Influence” Click HERE
Also on that blog, on the top right there is a list of “Online Resources”. One of them which I very much want you to notice is “Father’s Love Letter”- A Letter from God to YOU, Denise! This letter helped me very much, reminded me deeply of how God loves me… (even though my husband is too broken to do so at the moment) I’m adding the link to this comment- click here, and notice the “free downloads” button (on the left at the link) where you can print out a very nice one page poster.
I’ll come back and answer more thorougly when I have more time on Mon. Till then!
Here’s a quote from that book I mentioned. Click the link in the above comment for more…
from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas
quote:
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If you live with an angry man, this is your “spiritual marathon”. You’re going to be challenged in ways that may terrify you. Women who marry abusive men often had abusive fathers, and they’ve developed a lifelong portrait of themselves as victims. It will go against every learned response in your hurting soul to finally stand up and say you’re not going to take it anymore- but doing so is the pathway to healing, hope, and a healthier marriage.
You may feel terrified, but think with me about a future in which you are supported instead of threatened, in which you feel adored instead of attacked and appreciated instead of insulted. Isn’t it worth the risk for you and your children, to work toward such a marriage?…
Your God is with you, and his people will surround you. Spend some time asking God to bring some helpers into your life before you act; this may be the wisest step you can take. And then more forward from there. If you keep stepping out in faith, you’ll discover just how strong you can become in Christ- and that’s a valuable life lesson. If you persevere in this, you won’t even recognize yourself several years down the road. That timid, fearful, victimized personality will vanish in favor or a strong, wise, bold, and courageous woman of faith.
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from Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas:
quote:
——————————————————————————–
If as a result of this confrontation he chooses to repent and seek to grow, in the end he’ll thank you. After he confronts his behavior and begins to make changes, he’ll find it far more fulfilling to love, nurture, encourage, and support a woman than to abuse one. If he doesn’t repent, you certainly do face some dark days ahead; but in the end, that will be better than remaining in a home where you fear for your life. Furthermore, you’ll teach your children that their father’s behavior simply isn’t acceptable. Your daughters will learn not to put up with that kind of behavior, and your courageous action can help to stop a generational pattern of destruction. pg 155
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Hello Denise,
I have a few minutes now and I wanted to respond more personally to your situation.
I wonder if you have a relationship with the Lord? I’m not sure how I would have ever survived without God’s help and HIS love for me.
I wanted to ask if you have real life support? You NEED real life support! Someone who can understand, listen, love you in person, give you a hug- if that would help! I wish I could recommend church for that- and some churches will be very good… but not all
Please do pray and ask for the Lord’s guidance to help you find a good, supportive church. Can you find a recovery group to attend? Not sure how big your town? but if you are in a big city there may even be one for spouses of addicts? If not, Al-Anon has been very helpful and supportive for me, and for my sister also- whose husband has been in jail several times and who has had issues with crack and drugs as well as drinking. Al-Anon is VERY supportive and compatible with my Christian faith, and the degree of serenity which I see on the faces and in the lives of people in extremely difficult situations is truly amazing! They will understand how you feel and what you are dealing with!
I hope that you do know that it is NOT YOUR FAULT that he went to jail and uses drugs? You did the right thing to call the police and hold him accountable. Your husband is a wounded man and he is lashing out at you out of the broken wounded places in his heart. That doesn’t make it right, that doesn’t excuse his behavior… he NEEDS healing and deliverance… and you holding him accountable is probably the biggest wake-up CALL toward that needed healing and deliverance. But… he has free will and he must choose whether to come out of his denial and blameshifting or to stay right there (where his mother apparently enables him
)
Here is a link to a Marriage Recovery program. Link to Retrouvaille: Click Here. What if you e-mailed the link to your husband and tell him you are willing to attend this with him if he wants to set it up? That would put the choice about efforts toward reconciliation back in his court.
Is there any possibility that you could live closer to your husband? I think that the separation is very wise on your part and should be maintained until he addresses his issues. But can you see how the 500 mile distance could be an obstacle to potential steps toward reconciliation?
Charis,
I just found this. Man, how frustrating. I just wanted to say: my mom left home when my father was “downsized” just not to have to spend 24 hours a day with him. So you are not alone.
And I agree that you should not allow your husband to abuse your children verbally. He is not living up to his biblical responsibilities when he does that.
[...] while I am venting, I want to point out that you are just flat out WRONG to judge me about holding him accountable in front of the children. I wish I had a copy of Timothy’s report card. Since I have been standing up for him [...]
Just want to encourage everyone. I’ve been married to my husband for 26 years, and wish I had followed this advice early in our marriage. We were in a sweet, but charismatic/fundamental church where we were supposed to submit to our husband and never “question” him – particularly in front of our children and then God would make everything all right. Our three children are pretty sane and great young adults, but life would have been much richer if their father had some peace and joy.
Our daughter is about to be married and God has been gracious, but for years she really wasn’t interested in dating strong Christians because of seeing her father’s anger. Her fiance is a Christian, but not super involved.
For some reason, her dad would be worse when “spiritual”. I still remember Christian music being on in the background and his being totally out of control screaming profanities and degrading the kids. Through these years I’ve asked myself – are the kids better off with or without him. Hopefully I’ve made the right choice. Our daughter recently confided that as a young girl she would pray that daddy would die, because she knew I wouldn’t divorce him. Our boys have said that none of their friends’ fathers are as angry as their father and that they don’t hear other men use such profanity, particularly ones who claim to be strong Christians.
My husband works for a Christian school and can give and give to the students, but treats our kids poorly most of the time. They see how much better he treats other people. His father is another angry man who thinks everyone is “out to get me” and in the terms of Gary Smalley has never given my husband “the blessing”. On the other hand, he is 85, my husband is 55 and it is just not going to happen. He has gone to a well-known Christian counselor and told me that the psych just said with all the pressure he had he was doing fine. (I think my husband lied to the therapist and/or to me). So again, to the younger wives out there – take care of this and stand up early!
(((((((Meg))))))))
I just want to hug you! I understand how you feel
AND I want to encourage you! Press in to the Lord and HE will take you on a wild and crazy journey where you will do things you never dreamed you could. “When I am weak, HE is strong!” You are help MEET for him. What God has called you to do HE WILL equip you to do. (course hubby has “make or break” choices to make along the way)
Mothers of young children, please don’t let them be verbally and emotionally abused. Obviously we all have our bad days and times when we need to go to a child and say, “I am sorry, I was wrong in the way I treated you.” We need to let them know that we know such behavior is wrong and condemned by God. Abusers have a very hard time doing that.
My children lived with a father who was alternately doting and kind and charming then would erupt over something innocent like spilled milk! He didn’t just curse the spill or the inconvenience – it would be them he cursed or me. He was a Christian and he cursed his children using God’s name at times. This would go on for a while and then we would have a week or a month of “fair to moderate” weather!
I feel that I stood up to him and tried to get him to stop. I could not imagine leaving him; after all I had promised to God to love, honor and cherish til death! Often I felt that if I were better at housekeeping or more organized things would work. I stayed and tried all kinds of things – having a pastor try to talk to him, prayer, honest discussion, yelling, threatening to leave.
Things got worse and built to an unbelievable level. Finally through counseling events were set in motion that resulted in a separation.
What I want you mothers to know is this – my sons suffered horribly – one of them blames me to this day while reconciling with his father. Though both children accepted Christ when they were younger within the last two years they have rejected Christianity. I am saying all this to warn you to get help early and be prepared to leave if things do not improve. I wish that I had. I honestly fooled myself into thinking it would all work out if I did the “Christian ” thing and stayed. That is not Christianity.
Ask God for wisdom and get wise counsel but do not ignore what is in front of your face.
Dear lj
May the Lord minister grace and healing to you and your sons (and their father). Keep praying for your sons, lj. Don’t give up! I believe that- as their mother- you have spiritual authority to pray that the generational curses will be broken so that your grandchildren can be spared some of this pain. God’s will is to redeem what was meant to “steal kill and destroy” and turn this around for HIS glory. (see “SIN that leads to LIFE- HOW CAN THIS BE????”)
Love, Charis
He did it again yesterday.
Called our 8 yos a “STUPID IDIOT!”
because he fell in the mud and dropped a log
I wasn’t home to ream him out
My 20yod called me up to tell me that her brother was in the house in distress
very discouraging
especially after the message I heard this morning about how Christ is supposed to change people
I BELIEVE
CHRIST
changes people
sadly
the “church”
appears to be an obstacle to CHRIST!
the “church”
gives him permission
to IGNORE the cries of pain from his wife and children
and
VALIDATES his JERKHOOD!
after all,
going out to lunch
is a pastoral priority
over a wife being battered
and children being verbally abused
I forgive them, I forgive them, I forgive them
but I don’t want anything to do with them ever again
[...] So last evening, Joey (6) was sledding with Daddy and hit his chin. Last year sledding was BLECH. And last time hubby was called upon to visit the emergency room with a child for stitches, the [...]
[...] Son Timothy’s wrestling comes to mind. We argued over his verbal abuse of his children. Son Timothy sledding comes to [...]
[...] protecting me from STD’s. He was not concerned about protecting our children from his rage, abusiveness, hypocrisy, and [...]