I’m not sure where I stand personally. It isn’t an issue in my marriage. We seem to have gotten through the worst of it and onto safer ground. But I want to post this for abused women whose husbands show no signs of repentance or have abandoned the marriage.
Instone-Brewer has gotten me thinking that my narrow views of when God “allows” divorce are narrower than what Scripture actually teaches:
Isn’t Emotional Neglect Tantamount to Cause
Note that you can read excerpts from his well rated book at the above link to his blog.
If a spouse is abusive or neglectful and is hard-hearted about adjusting their behavior, he makes a compelling case to consider that as valid biblical grounds for divorce with complete freedom to re-marry “in the Lord”.
Because this post is filed under “abuse” categories, I refer the reader to a collection of links which were helpful to me on the bottom of the following page: What if he is Abusive?
I spoke too soon.
I may still need this.
The straw that broke the camel’s back…
I believe Instone-Brewer has strayed FAR from the truth and that God’s Word teaches marriage FOR LIFE (Rom. 7:2-3, I Cor. 7:39). God’s Word does show us that there are reasons separation may be necessary (I Cor. 7:10-11), but that doesn’t mean the marriage is dissolved in the sight of God and allows for a joining to another person (who most undoubtedly will sin as well). Blessings…………
In his Institutes of Biblical Law, R.J. Rushdooney teaches that only in Christianity, is death a form of divorce . . . a widow is free to remarry.
He lists all the sins for the death penalty (one list for men, one list for women)
My conclusion: If we were living under OT law, then I would be a widow.
With a free conscience, I finally filed for a divorce.
I thank God for my freedom in Christ.
Thank you Lora, that is an insightful observation!
I agree with you that we are free in Christ.
He did not come to put a yoke of bondage upon us even heavier than OT law… He came to set us free!
Jesus did not set us free to sin………….He came to set us free from the bondage of sin. If one divorces thinking their marriage is “bondage”, then that is actually an insult to God who joined the two as one flesh. He knows the future of a marriage when He joins them for life. Jesus did not set us free from obeying His commands. If, for some reason, a woman needs to depart from her husband, she is to remain UNMARRIED or be reconciled to her husband(when genuine repentance takes place). Jesus only gave these two choices. To marry another(commit adultery with one who is not your lawful spouse in the eyes of God) is not an option with one who desires to follow Jesus. Jesus said, if we love Him, we will obey Him. It doesn’t get any more clear than that. If we don’t love Him, we will choose our flesh/sin over Him………….and our testimony will be shot to those who are seeking a “different” way than that of the world’s………….. Blessings……………
God got divorced. So there must be valid grounds for divorce that aren’t insulting to God.
I haven’t heard anyone here talking about getting remarried, should they choose divorce.
I realize (after visiting your site) that this is an issue you see as all-consuming, and I appreciate your zeal for righteousness, but Scripture bears witness to zeal and law-keeping both not necessarily being the same thing as the kind of righteousness God is looking for.
Personally, I have a feeling that God didn’t intend marriage to be a noose around our neck but a gift. Some people marry folks who turn out to be nooses: they can’t help but try to destroy their spouse. The Good News isn’t that you stay married even if it kills you, is it? If so, it sure seems like Bad News to me.
If, for some reason, a woman needs to depart from her husband, she is to remain UNMARRIED or be reconciled to her husband(when genuine repentance takes place).
Yes, I recall someone asking me in their next breath if I was planning to remarry. What an insult. I have no plans to remarry, even now two years later, and divorced. Technically I am very fortunate since my husband divorced me and he mentioned to the kids that he mught start another relationship. I am so relieved and finally feel free of the bondage.
I think some married people feel very uncomfortable knowing that others feel free to divorce and cut all ties. The reality is that this happens.
May I recommend Minister Casey Whitaker’s book and others free to download at http://www.WiseReaction.org
Blessings
Michael
Michael,
God did not design marriage to be “hell on earth” and then force people to stay in hell. HE is not like that! He came to set the captives FREE!
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cross posting from another thread:
God hates the pain, but the piece of paper stamped by a judge is not the “divorce”. The divorce happened when the covenant was broken and trampled without regard nor remorse.
Click here for the greek word used in the passages speaking of divorce “put away” Notice the definition includes: neglect, disregard, abandon, to leave one by not taking him as a companion. Gottman’s description of what he sees in couples which divorce matches that biblical definition of “put away”.
From Gottman “The Marriage Clinic”
Not receiving influence, not listening, not respecting is the same as “neglect, disregard, abandon, to leave one by not taking him as a companion” so by his “nots” he is the one who tore it asunder. And that is very painful, indeed. God hates it. Its not what God intends for a marriage. A husband is supposed cleave and some never ever do in a quarter century of marriage (see “Cleave”). The piece of paper at the end is GOOD in this case because it sets her free, it puts closure on what has been tearing her asunder for many many years.
From a theological standpoint, Instone-Brewer makes a compelling case: Isn’t Emotional Neglect Tantamount to Cause
Hi Charis
If someone is in an abusive relationship, provision is made by the Lord…
1 Corinthians 7:10,11
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
Why do I cite these passages, because we have marriage relationships restoring (fruit), relationships that John Gottman and many others for that matter would have written off! Including “abusive” situations resolved, because of prayer, patience, faith and obedience.
Who is under bondage? So is there a point at which (for some from a place of safety; being separated) we need to stop forgiving an abusive wayward spouse who has been captured by satan? Unforgiveness?
2 Timothy 2:24-26
24 And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.
25 Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth,
26 and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.
The professing Church does not understand the absolute importance of covenant, as early Christians did.
Luke 1:37
37 For nothing is impossible with God.”
unfortunately professing Christians do not believe that. We are an impatient lot of people!
Blessings
Michael
Michael,
I think one can “forgive” without reconciliation. (see “But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses”)
Seems fair to me to theologically separate the consideration of divorce from the consideration of remarriage, but then again, I haven’t studied that distinction and am not motivated to do so at present. Personally, I can’t imagine myself ever considering re-marriage (so you may be “preaching to the choir” as they say). If I wind up divorced, I will stay single. I observe that people bring their baggage with them into the next relationship and apparently my “husband picker” is broken so I would not risk it.
ETA: for those who may be motivated to look at a thorough biblical study from a sympathetic perspective on remarriage subsequent to divorce from an abuser, I suggest “Not Under Bondage” (Click Here) by Barbara Roberts.